not really sure how to use the new wordpress, but trying to start writing here again so following prompts/challenges seemed like a good idea.
well, i didn’t do this on the day i was supposed to, but here goes anyways.
new- what is new in my life? well, the pandemic of course (new/old to everyone now). my life seems so lonely now, which is both new and old- it’s been such a thing for such a long time but so many of the little things- even just sitting in a coffee shop with people- that i used to do are gone. for how long?
and the isolation is old, old. goes back to growing up so isolated i never saw people (outside my father’s people, and other abusers) aside from school and if i was lucky a small excursion “into town” with my father (which was fourty-five minutes away and a very small town- my father’s own paranoia and CPTSD kept him away from people. he was like those vets people talk about who just decided to go live out in the woods so they could not deal with the world. only he was a “vet” from the War and being in a Concetration Camp as a child. (and i’m letting myself not correct spelling here, this is supposed to be stream of consciousness).
but his isolation made me isolated. (not that having the stepmonster move in when i was 11 made it *better* at all- aside from maybe having less time alone with him, although time with her was- not better,really).
i feel like it’s the same stories i tell to people about that, and i laugh when i say them, but there’s things under the narrative i never get too. like how the other week i told my counseler at IOP some stuff about my family and my aunt and my conflicts about talking to her and casually mentioned how she’s convinced my father murdered one of his girlfriends. (this is totally outside the ra or any of that). and i said in passing she’s probably right. and i could *see* the guy kind of freaking out and i just- hadn’t even thought about saying it….
alright, even for one prompt. lets see if i can keep up on this.