Posted September 14, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: Uncategorized

everything hurts, emotionally.  like i don’t have any skin- like no matter what, nothing is right.

i tried to talk about this both times with Lindsay this week, and Deborah.  (and at the day program a little, with the new person- Dimitra? there).

I’d say it comes and goes, but in reality it’s more “me”, or “this me” that comes and goes, really.

I’m not sure it’s really at all good that it’s like that but…

i feel so- stupid.  worthless. useless.  and of course today i had to miss therapy becuase i’m really sick (as in, can’t focus to read sick).

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Posted August 28, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: anger, attachment, betrayel, friendships, triggered, Uncategorized

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Posted August 9, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: Uncategorized

keep trying to write here, not.

bad thing happened (is happening?) regaurding someone i used to be close to and them saying nasty things about me online.

i may/probably will be doing some locked entries- if you want to read them just ask me (give me an email or something to send it to) and I’ll give you the password.

may start putting some of our polyvore sets here.  (or- well lj seems- tainted, by that person- we’ll get over that, probably eventually start copying our posts from one to the other- might copy over old posts to here if i can figure it out well).  though if we write about them we’re likely to have that locked.

Posted July 15, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: hospital, treatment

well, i was in the hospital.  for a day short of four weeks- so basically a month (LL keeps saying three weeks- but that’s whatever the hell her own shit is- she also lectured me on some bullshit too so- she’s doing the nice, supportive/patronizing crap- trying to take the nice part and ignore the other).

i’m at this crisis residential place i was at back in February.  it is- far from desirable, but- not awful (the only other place like this for people in my county, as these are funding/dictated by what county you live in, is REALLY horrible).  it’s clean, the things they feed us are NOT diabetic friendly but- at least edible (I got diagnosed diabetic while  I was in the hospital- on Metformin for that, and hoping that with diet and (ugh) exercise i can go back to “pre-diabetic”.)

not sure- will write more about other things

Posted June 16, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: Uncategorized

i guess i’m feeling pretty severely depressed.  (no shit, yesterday instead of going to my mental health place open art studio, someone else came out and just- took us home, and literally stayed in bed all day.  did that today, too- didn’t even make it into therapy, though we did text and tell her- that part/probably a bunch of us- just literally weren’t even- up to getting out of bed. i was dehydrated and hadn’t eaten anything since Sunday when i talked to her this afternoon.

i did eat. and drank water, and even started (too late for tonight) chicken soup in the crock pot.  but- i am not in a good space.  oh, did talk to my therapist on the phone for a while.  i think she would’ve been more pushy on the hospital idea if i didn’t have an appointment with Deborah Wednesday, and then her Thursday. though- i am having Deborah enquire about beds.

 

Posted June 11, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: anxiety, attachment, depression, nightmares

this is a first, writing this soon.  maybe we’re seeing a trend- too soon to tell.

thick, heavy depression is hitting.  the summer kind, where i lay there being too hot and not wanting to move.  i prefer winter, or better yet, the rainy season like where i grew up (more on missing there- the land, not the people- later).

i slept a little and it- helped, a bit.  though now i woke up and it’s 10pm at night and that’s always disconcerting.

depression is still here.  not as immobile but- nothing feels good, feels right.  not anhedonia exactly- just- nothing feels- well, right.  if i lived in a better neighborhood i’d go for a walk (but that’s not such a good idea here at this hour).  if i had a car, i’d go for a drive.

i guess i could go for a short walk around the apartment complex. not totally comfortable with that, tho.  at least i remembered to install the chrome extension to filter the colors on the screen, so theoretically it won’t mess with my sleep as much.  I tried to explain to Lindsay that I know it’s not supposed to be good to be on electronics right before bed, but when i’m up and agitated like this i want- to connect to people somehow.  and i no longer have anyone to talk to in the middle of the night other than MK, and sometimes he- he’s a good friend but he doesn’t realize or think what’s going to upset me or bring things up, and then it makes it harder to sleep.  i might call him anyways, just to talk to someone.

therapy was hard today.  i’m still trying to figure out what i/we feel ok talking about here- but i can say some of it.  some if it was about past close friendships with other people, survivors in particular, and me feeling like there’s something “wrong” with me that in the long run- well in the long run none of my close relationships work out.  she said that’s not about me- a lot of it is about me getting healthier and not being willing to take the same level of crap.

we also talked some about- well about the most recent um, incident-more of what has come up for me.  lots and lots of negative self-feeling there.  she was reassuring but- i think that’s still churning around, too.  and feeling vulnerable, and stuff about being vulnerable to people you care about and then them- hurting you, wither that’s what they say they mean or not.

Posted June 10, 2016 by strangelings
Categories: anxiety, nightmares, Uncategorized

i feel tired.  exhausted, really.

had particularly horrible nightmares last night- unfortunately i didn’t write them down.  i know there was blood and violence and possibly cannibalism- those things have been a theme in my nightmares lately.

The new volunteer (through a clinic my secondary therapist runs) came again today.  She was really nice- I didn’t get to do as much as I’d wanted but- it was something.  (Need to go get the laundry I had to leave in earlier now, from that.)  And my very neurotic/shy cat allowed herself to be brought out and even petted (and purred, and licked her- very big praise, from Her Catness).

My appointment with Dr.F (psychiatrist) went surprisingly well.  (She- the time before last she flipped out and yelled at me, and still wasn’t good last time.  Yes, I am working on finding a replacement- haven’t told her yet).  She was cordial, she didn’t give me crap about my prn of Klonopin, she even increased the Prazosin I take for nightmares.  (And that’s probably why I’m still up- the nightmares, not the meds.  They were- particularly bad last night).

I actually went out after that- just to Barnes and Noble to browse books and drink iced tea while waiting for my scripts to be filled at the pharmacy, but these days (hell, most of the time) that’s still big.  Oh, and to freak out about money, as money is being *particularly* bad this month (thought living on nine hundred dollars a month in the Bay Area is never, ever easy).  But- I managed to text my therapist, who called me back (I hadn’t actually asked- though I was glad she did.  Apparently I’d forgotten I was supposed to be checking in with her still).  It helped.

Damn.  I just- don’t want to sleep.  Well, no- I don’t want to dream, really.  And since I don’t remember what I’ve been dreaming about, there’s not a lot I can do to actually process it yet, really.  (I’d expected to have J. here, visiting, sharing my room with me.  Yes, that still hurts.)

 


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