i don’t know how to feel about you.  maybe i never have.  maybe i never will?

it hurts.  i am shaking and i am nauseous and it hurts too much to hold onto.

you write about me as if i’m not listening, as if i’m not there.

it feels like you take away my words, my ability to speak, by speaking there as if i am not.  as if i am not a person who hurts, who also bleeds.

as if i am not as human as you.  (and always was so).

do you not see it?  do you not want to see it?

i don’t know.

i feel like i can’t breathe when it’s like this.

like you take all the air in the room from me.

and then i feel it’s unfair of me to speak, to say these things, so i come somewhere you won’t (I think) look to see.  i am trying to speak, though my tongue is lead in my mouth…

“Just as a good rain clears the air, a good writing day clears the psyche.” ~ Julia Cameron

via Healing Quotes Littles 880 — Kate Is Rising

everything hurts, emotionally.  like i don’t have any skin- like no matter what, nothing is right.

i tried to talk about this both times with Lindsay this week, and Deborah.  (and at the day program a little, with the new person- Dimitra? there).

I’d say it comes and goes, but in reality it’s more “me”, or “this me” that comes and goes, really.

I’m not sure it’s really at all good that it’s like that but…

i feel so- stupid.  worthless. useless.  and of course today i had to miss therapy becuase i’m really sick (as in, can’t focus to read sick).

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keep trying to write here, not.

bad thing happened (is happening?) regaurding someone i used to be close to and them saying nasty things about me online.

i may/probably will be doing some locked entries- if you want to read them just ask me (give me an email or something to send it to) and I’ll give you the password.

may start putting some of our polyvore sets here.  (or- well lj seems- tainted, by that person- we’ll get over that, probably eventually start copying our posts from one to the other- might copy over old posts to here if i can figure it out well).  though if we write about them we’re likely to have that locked.

well, i was in the hospital.  for a day short of four weeks- so basically a month (LL keeps saying three weeks- but that’s whatever the hell her own shit is- she also lectured me on some bullshit too so- she’s doing the nice, supportive/patronizing crap- trying to take the nice part and ignore the other).

i’m at this crisis residential place i was at back in February.  it is- far from desirable, but- not awful (the only other place like this for people in my county, as these are funding/dictated by what county you live in, is REALLY horrible).  it’s clean, the things they feed us are NOT diabetic friendly but- at least edible (I got diagnosed diabetic while  I was in the hospital- on Metformin for that, and hoping that with diet and (ugh) exercise i can go back to “pre-diabetic”.)

not sure- will write more about other things

i guess i’m feeling pretty severely depressed.  (no shit, yesterday instead of going to my mental health place open art studio, someone else came out and just- took us home, and literally stayed in bed all day.  did that today, too- didn’t even make it into therapy, though we did text and tell her- that part/probably a bunch of us- just literally weren’t even- up to getting out of bed. i was dehydrated and hadn’t eaten anything since Sunday when i talked to her this afternoon.

i did eat. and drank water, and even started (too late for tonight) chicken soup in the crock pot.  but- i am not in a good space.  oh, did talk to my therapist on the phone for a while.  i think she would’ve been more pushy on the hospital idea if i didn’t have an appointment with Deborah Wednesday, and then her Thursday. though- i am having Deborah enquire about beds.